I've Been Thinking

I want to be a YouTube Let's Player, like Markiplier, PewDiePie, Cryaotic, and CinnamontoastKen. I want to be a Let's Player because there aren't a whole lot of female Let's Players on YouTube, well not a whole lot of "well known" Let's Players. Though I don't know if I should do it, because I can't decide if I should talk or not. I don't want a cam, because I don't think people need to know what I look like and I'm self-contious. Basically I want to do what TheRPGMinx and Cryaotic do. There are only like a handful of female Let's Players on YouTube and I want to try and expand that. Don't know how I'll do it, but I wanna try. And I want to mainly do console games; Xbox One games. If I were to do PC games like everyone else, then I'd need to get either a gaming laptop or a desktop and I'd rather not have to get a whole lot of things or have to spend an arm and a leg in order to do this. I was thinking about just doing streams on Twitch for a while by using the Twitch app on the Xbox, so maybe I'll do that, build a following, and maybe ask if anyone would like it if I were to do a YouTube channel or something. First, I have to decide on a new gamertag. I really regret choosing MadameCupcake91 as my gamertag and since I am no longer into cupcakes and baking like I used to, I'd like to change it.

I've Been Hating Myself Lately and I Want To Make Some Changes

I went in for a doctor's appointment the other day and they had to weigh me. I weighed myself the night before at my grandma's house and the scale said 250lbs. However, when I stepped on the scale at the doctor's, the scale said 268lbs. I don't know what to believe. I have a feeling I should believe the scale at the doctor's, but who knows, that could be off a bit too. So that got me thinking about my weight again and wanting to do something about it, since I seem to have gained 8 pounds since last August. I talked to my fiance and we both agree that we need to start eating better and stop drinking soda. I have also decided to get back on this eating schedule I made up for myself that I was only on for a week because I visited family the week I started and it was hard for me to stay on it because everyone ate at different times than I did and it was making me frustrated. My meal schedule was:

Breakfast - 9am
Snack - 11am
Lunch - 1pm
Snack - 3pm
Snack - 5pm
Dinner - 7pm

So I'm going to try harder to stick to that routine and hopefully it will help me reduce my appetite, help with portion control, and boost my metabolism. Drinking more water will also be a major factor to my losing weight because I hardly drink water. I hardly drink water because I hate the way it tastes with food, so therefore I usually end up drinking either juice, soda, or energy drinks. Yeah, juice is supposed to be healthier for you than soda, but there's still quite a bit of sugar in juice, so it's still not THE BEST thing for one to drink. When I start my meal schedule, I'm not going to allow myself to eat after 8pm. If I get hungry or something at 10pm/11pm/12am, I'll drink water instead of having a snack, because I remember hearing somewhere that if you feel hungry, try drinking something instead because sometimes your body will think it's hungry when it's actually thirsty. And from now on when my fiance and I go out to eat somewhere like Red Robin or something, I'll order a salad or s sandwich or something and if we get fast food like Burger King or Jack in the Box, I'll order a chicken sandwich and no fries. Yes, I have this all figured out!

Along with all of this, I'm going to go back to eating vegan food. Yes, I used to be vegan and ate vegan food when I was going to college and living with my grandparents all because I got really into PETA. I stopped because I moved back in with my mom and then-asshole-step-dad (he's not my stepdad any more. STILL AN ASSHOLE THOUGH!) and I was tired of him bullying me about being vegan so in order for him to stop, I went back to eating meat and such. Wile I was eating the vegan food, I ended up losing 20lbs. I think if I hadn't moved back in with my mom and the asshole I would have stuck with it and would have lost a lot more weight. I have gained 78lbs since 2011. And I HATE that I allowed myself to do that to myself. It is probably going to take over a year to reach the weight I want to be, which is around 130lbs. The lightest I've been since I started high school was 180lbs. I don't remember how much I weighed in Jr. High. I don't think I even started caring about my weight since I started high school and my mom married the asshole, who I later found out, cooked all our meals in LARD! That probably paid a big part in me gaining weight. Another part was probably me not being very active. I only took P.E. in my freshman year because you were required to take it that year. I probably should have taken more walks, but I wouldn't want to in the summer because of the damn California heat that feels like it's frickin 110 degrees outside.

I have a few reasons why I want to lose weight:

1. I HATE the way I look.
2. I can't wear the clothes I want to wear becuase: a.) they don't come in my size, b.) they don't look right on me, and c.) sometimes they make me look pregnant (which is why I don't wear dresses anymore)
3. I don't feel "beautiful"
4. With each pound I gain, I hate myself even more
5. I don't want to end up with a lot of health problems
6. I NEVER EVER want to reach 300lbs.
7. I'm tired of feeling disgusting
8. I hate the little voice inside my head and I want it to stop.
9. I'm tired of being told I'm unhealthy
10. I'm tired of gaining weight and I want to FINALLY reach my goal of weighing 130lbs/140lbs.

I'm just SO TIRED of feeling like this and looking like this! I need to stand up and make a change. I just wish I could stop eating for like a month and my body would just process all the fat into food/energy or something end up losing 50lbs, but no. If you starve yourself and don't eat, your metabolism will slow down and when you do eat again, your body will store that food. I am going to start my meal schedule next Thursday (Aug, 27, 2015) because we don't have anything I could have for a "snack" right now and that will be after we go grocery shopping again. I hope my plan works! Wish me luck in my endeavors!