My Fiance Might Be Getting A New Job!

My fiance's friend works for Apple as a work-from-home tech support. My fiance. Seth, was saying one night how he thought his job sounded awesome and wanted to do that, so he talked to his friend and he told Seth what he had to do to apply for the job. He submitted everything yesterday and it will take about a week to a month for them to get back to him if he gets the job! It will be really great because he will be working from home, so he'll be home all the time, he will be earning more than he's currently getting while working at Walmart AND he will be working full time; 40 hours a week, which hopefully means he will have a set schedule. He doesn't have a set schedule at Walmart; he works different days and hours all the time. I kinda wish I could work from home like he does, but without having to talk to people on the phone; I HATE talking to strangers on the phone and making appointments over the phone. I think it has something to do with the pressure of already knowing what you're going to say. Every time I talk on the phone to make an appointment or something, I ALWAYS have to write down what I'm going to say.

I've Been Thinking

I want to be a YouTube Let's Player, like Markiplier, PewDiePie, Cryaotic, and CinnamontoastKen. I want to be a Let's Player because there aren't a whole lot of female Let's Players on YouTube, well not a whole lot of "well known" Let's Players. Though I don't know if I should do it, because I can't decide if I should talk or not. I don't want a cam, because I don't think people need to know what I look like and I'm self-contious. Basically I want to do what TheRPGMinx and Cryaotic do. There are only like a handful of female Let's Players on YouTube and I want to try and expand that. Don't know how I'll do it, but I wanna try. And I want to mainly do console games; Xbox One games. If I were to do PC games like everyone else, then I'd need to get either a gaming laptop or a desktop and I'd rather not have to get a whole lot of things or have to spend an arm and a leg in order to do this. I was thinking about just doing streams on Twitch for a while by using the Twitch app on the Xbox, so maybe I'll do that, build a following, and maybe ask if anyone would like it if I were to do a YouTube channel or something. First, I have to decide on a new gamertag. I really regret choosing MadameCupcake91 as my gamertag and since I am no longer into cupcakes and baking like I used to, I'd like to change it.

I've Been Hating Myself Lately and I Want To Make Some Changes

I went in for a doctor's appointment the other day and they had to weigh me. I weighed myself the night before at my grandma's house and the scale said 250lbs. However, when I stepped on the scale at the doctor's, the scale said 268lbs. I don't know what to believe. I have a feeling I should believe the scale at the doctor's, but who knows, that could be off a bit too. So that got me thinking about my weight again and wanting to do something about it, since I seem to have gained 8 pounds since last August. I talked to my fiance and we both agree that we need to start eating better and stop drinking soda. I have also decided to get back on this eating schedule I made up for myself that I was only on for a week because I visited family the week I started and it was hard for me to stay on it because everyone ate at different times than I did and it was making me frustrated. My meal schedule was:

Breakfast - 9am
Snack - 11am
Lunch - 1pm
Snack - 3pm
Snack - 5pm
Dinner - 7pm

So I'm going to try harder to stick to that routine and hopefully it will help me reduce my appetite, help with portion control, and boost my metabolism. Drinking more water will also be a major factor to my losing weight because I hardly drink water. I hardly drink water because I hate the way it tastes with food, so therefore I usually end up drinking either juice, soda, or energy drinks. Yeah, juice is supposed to be healthier for you than soda, but there's still quite a bit of sugar in juice, so it's still not THE BEST thing for one to drink. When I start my meal schedule, I'm not going to allow myself to eat after 8pm. If I get hungry or something at 10pm/11pm/12am, I'll drink water instead of having a snack, because I remember hearing somewhere that if you feel hungry, try drinking something instead because sometimes your body will think it's hungry when it's actually thirsty. And from now on when my fiance and I go out to eat somewhere like Red Robin or something, I'll order a salad or s sandwich or something and if we get fast food like Burger King or Jack in the Box, I'll order a chicken sandwich and no fries. Yes, I have this all figured out!

Along with all of this, I'm going to go back to eating vegan food. Yes, I used to be vegan and ate vegan food when I was going to college and living with my grandparents all because I got really into PETA. I stopped because I moved back in with my mom and then-asshole-step-dad (he's not my stepdad any more. STILL AN ASSHOLE THOUGH!) and I was tired of him bullying me about being vegan so in order for him to stop, I went back to eating meat and such. Wile I was eating the vegan food, I ended up losing 20lbs. I think if I hadn't moved back in with my mom and the asshole I would have stuck with it and would have lost a lot more weight. I have gained 78lbs since 2011. And I HATE that I allowed myself to do that to myself. It is probably going to take over a year to reach the weight I want to be, which is around 130lbs. The lightest I've been since I started high school was 180lbs. I don't remember how much I weighed in Jr. High. I don't think I even started caring about my weight since I started high school and my mom married the asshole, who I later found out, cooked all our meals in LARD! That probably paid a big part in me gaining weight. Another part was probably me not being very active. I only took P.E. in my freshman year because you were required to take it that year. I probably should have taken more walks, but I wouldn't want to in the summer because of the damn California heat that feels like it's frickin 110 degrees outside.

I have a few reasons why I want to lose weight:

1. I HATE the way I look.
2. I can't wear the clothes I want to wear becuase: a.) they don't come in my size, b.) they don't look right on me, and c.) sometimes they make me look pregnant (which is why I don't wear dresses anymore)
3. I don't feel "beautiful"
4. With each pound I gain, I hate myself even more
5. I don't want to end up with a lot of health problems
6. I NEVER EVER want to reach 300lbs.
7. I'm tired of feeling disgusting
8. I hate the little voice inside my head and I want it to stop.
9. I'm tired of being told I'm unhealthy
10. I'm tired of gaining weight and I want to FINALLY reach my goal of weighing 130lbs/140lbs.

I'm just SO TIRED of feeling like this and looking like this! I need to stand up and make a change. I just wish I could stop eating for like a month and my body would just process all the fat into food/energy or something end up losing 50lbs, but no. If you starve yourself and don't eat, your metabolism will slow down and when you do eat again, your body will store that food. I am going to start my meal schedule next Thursday (Aug, 27, 2015) because we don't have anything I could have for a "snack" right now and that will be after we go grocery shopping again. I hope my plan works! Wish me luck in my endeavors!

I've Been Thinking...

I think I want to try either getting one of the computer certificates or just majoring in computer sciences. I want to know more about computers, like coding and such, and I want to do something with them like computer programming or something. I am very, very wary about this because I'm afraid I won't be smart enough to tackle something like this. I'm wary of it, because a few years ago I told my fiance (then boyfriend) that I wanted to try Web Design, and he said "are you sure? That might be kinda hard." And that planted a seed of doubt in my mind which grew into me telling  myself that I wouldn't be able to do something like that and I ended up not pursuing it. I also often hear the words my grandma said to me a year or two ago; she said "you used to be so smart." Which I then convince myself that yes I am stupid and should be pursuing something else.

I need to STOP doing that to myself. I need to STOP doubting myself when others doubt me. I need to STOP putting myself down all the time and making myself think I'm stupid. What I NEED is to have faith in myself. I know that's going to be hard because I have low self-esteem.

I have no idea what I should major in or what certificate program I should enroll in at the local community college. There are a ton of classes I am interested in taking, but there are SO MANY things I can do I just can't decide! I'm interested in the painting classes, the ceramic classes, the sculpture classes, the dark room photography classes, the digital photography classes, the japanese language classes, the poetry class, the literature by and about women class, the fiction and film class, the history of the far east class, the abnormal psychology class, the computer maintenance certificate, the web design certificate, the administrative office assistant certificate, and the administrative office professional certificate. I CAN'T DECIDE!!!

What should I do with my life?

For the last few years, I wanted to be a baker. I even started a baking channel on YouTube in hopes to get my talents out there. I realized there are people who are better than I am and I felt like I wasn't getting any support from anyone with my baking channel. I bake for everyone and ask nothing in return, but when I make a video and ask people to watch it and share it with their friends for me in order to spread the word about my channel, NO ONE DOES SHIT. I thought "Fine! Since no one is going to show any support in what I'm trying to accomplish, then I'll only make things for myself and my family. I'll pursue something else for my career."

So I figured that I should probably just do baking as a hobby; bake for family members' birthdays and such, and not try to pursue it as my career. Now the question is, what should I choose to do for the rest of my life? What should my career be?